Now this is something I’ve never experienced at any other point in my life. On a very regular basis, I have a hard time differentiating whether some of my decisions are selfish or selfless. Am I being selfish or selfless? It doesn’t seem like it would be that hard, but it’s proving incredibly difficult.
The lesson here is probably that I need to stop labeling my decisions as one or the other and stop judging myself through such a black and white lens. It’s interesting how motherhood has already, in just a few short weeks, made me question my own intentions and doubt myself.
I’ve obviously selflessly given my body over to this tiny human that is now a part of my life. But wait, was that selfless or selfish? And it continues as long as I’m breastfeeding. Selfless or selfish? And I’m getting very little sleep these days so that I can care for my tiny human. Seems selfless, but there are aspects of my sleepless time that can seem kind of selfish. For example, I love the intimate time alone with him in the middle of the night or during the wee hours of the morning. Selfish?
It is mostly my time that I feel selfish protecting. Maternity leave is like a temporary protective bubble that is so very fragile. I have my whole lifetime to share my time and my energy, but selfishly I’m not interested in sharing right now.
The bottom line is that my actions have never had such a huge impact on another person before. Now there are two people for whom my time and energy are reserved. And the only way I know to give them the best of myself is to protect myself from all the pushing and pulling of other people, including people I love. I’m ok being selfless and selfish in this season of my life, and hope I can be patient enough with myself to not judge either too harshly.
Joyful Striving 