It feels like it’s been a long time since we had a day of sunshine. Even though it wasn’t particularly warm, and I wasn’t feeling very energetic, it felt good to get out of the house today! Colin’s been on call this weekend and I’ve hit the 37 week mark. These are our last days as a family of four and I’m trying my best to soak them up!

We also made Valentine’s for school, and I’m so glad we did. I had no idea Cash could write his letters like that without help! I can’t keep up with how much they’re learning!

Colin’s away in Chicago this weekend so it’s the boys and me til Sunday! I’ve actually really been looking forward to this. Nighttime is the hardest because I’m physically so limited these days and by the time I get to people they’re wide awake instead of half asleep. I kept them home from school today. It was a long night with Quinn being up 3-6am and Cash waking up around 7, so rising early was not in my game plan, nor was packing lunches.

Instead, after breakfast and a shower, we headed to NC State. The WiFi is out at our house and I had a meeting at noon, so it was a good reason to go. I love having the boys on campus. It makes me so grateful for my job! We went to Talley for some lunch and then across to Pullen Park to ride the carousel and play. I loved it. They loved it. It was a day that was nice and slow, where we all tried to stay on the same team and work together so we could fully enjoy the day and our time together.

Broke out the iPads.

We may have had popcorn for breakfast…two of us at least

Awake snacks at 3am

Between monitoring my blood sugar and trying to flip a baby, it’s easy to lose sight of the magic of growing a person inside my body. I know when he or she is awake or sleeping, where it’s feet are (where they don’t belong), and when it hiccups. This tiny person started from nothing and will soon be Cash and Quinn’s sibling, and our third baby. My body has worked hard to create and sustain this baby. We’ve missed this baby, wished for this baby, grieved this baby, and been excited for this baby. The time when this baby is solely mine is coming to a close. Hopefully there are still moments to savor before he or she gets here!

Trying to flip this baby head down!

I was a little intimidated about spending two weeks home over the break. Now that it’s over, I realize how much I’ve appreciated time at home, with less planning, less lunch packing, and less structure. The holidays both fell in the middle of the week so it felt a little bit like getting extra weekends, but also a bit disruptive. I’m grateful for the time and also now ready for a return to routines. It’s hard to believe that the next time there’s a break like this, we will have three kids!

Cash has always waited for me. Tonight I told him I’d be back in his room after Quinn fell asleep, so I could sit with him and tell him a story while he fell asleep. And then I forgot. He kept asking Colin where I was…even keeping himself from drifting off before I returned. He does this on my late nights working. And he does it when babysitters stay with them. He quietly sneaks out of bed to look for me. Sweet, sweet Cash.

Here’s where he wrote M-O-M on my side of the bed. Just when I think he’s outgrowing me, he reminds that his little boy self needs and wants me just as much as ever. Time changes what that looks like, but I hope that little boy always has a place in his heart for his mama.

My biggest worry about having a third baby was that I was going to wind up being a much worse version of myself for Cash and Quinn. I pictured the exhaustion and backaches sending me to the couch, the hormones sending my temper rising, or the difficulty of the third trimester making me not fun at all. Luckily, those fears were unfounded. In some ways I think I’m an even better mom knowing our time as a family of four isn’t quickly coming to an end to welcome a brand new member of our family!

I love watching and hearing the boys make sense of my belly, describing their roles when a new baby arrives, and feeling how much they already love this new baby! All my worries have disappeared and I’m looking forward to the excitement and joy that is to come!

1. Unlimited car washes: When we bought a minivan, the first thing I did was purchase an unlimited car wash package. I know myself; clutter drives me crazy. Minivans invite mess. So now the car stays clean and we have a fun after school activity!

2. Snapware: We avoid all containers kids can’t open themselves.

3. Yumboxes: Bentobox style lunch box that reminds me how to pack a well-rounded meal by labeling the six compartments (e.g., fruit, veggies, grains, etc.). On mornings when I’m really tired, I so appreciate being reminded which category of food I still need to pack!

4. Labeled bins for school clothes, shoes, and coats/swimsuits (depending on the season). Our bins are downstairs to limit the running up and down 80 times a day. I truly believe this system creates a lot of independence for our kids.

5. Mabel’s Labels. Speaking of labels…These are amazing and don’t come off in the dishwasher or washing machine (Photo below after a year of washing). I used to use a Sharpie, but even that became illegible. The boys’ teachers love the labels and now the boys have started labeling their own things! Also Cash’s things are blue and Quinn’s are green which saves me more time and sanity than I expected!

6. Bags within bags. I hate digging through a purse or a pool bag for something constantly. So we use bags within bags to keep things easy to find. A wet/dry bag with sunscreen, a bag of pens, a bag of cords for electronics, a bag of snacks. It’s amazing how much simpler it is to find things and feel organized! I also keep bags of extra clothes in the trunk organizer.

7. One small bag with one small computer. I opted for a 12″ macbook when it was time for a new laptop this time. And a purse in which it could fit. My purse became my work bag and now I never forget my second work bag because I don’t use one.

8. Buy extra. Paper towels, sunscreen, swimsuits, cleaning supplies, soap, laundry detergent…All the important things!

9. Buy ahead. To prepare for summer, I start collecting supplies in February or March. Pool shoes, sun hats, sunscreen, swimsuits. It’s so expensive to buy everything we need all at one time. It’s way better to spread it out! Same for back to school or birthdays!

10. Routines. We don’t do monotony much. But creating automatic systems works great so that we can spend our energy being spontaneous elsewhere. We order family dinners on Friday for pick up on Monday. We have laundry service during months that are busier. We have the house cleaned every other Monday (maybe every Monday once we have three!).

11. Planning Fridays. This deserves an entire post in and of itself! But planning on Friday rather than Sunday is life changing.

We have read every piece of advice under the sun about bed time. We have a routine, white noise, big boy beds, even a visual schedule. These kids do not sleep like those mysterious children I hear about…The ones that go to bed at 7 and sleep until 8! Only one of my kids has ever slept through the night and it only happened once and it was because he had to take Benadryl for his allergies.

So here I sit, attempting a new strategy, one I don’t believe is going to work (maybe that’s the problem?). I’m sitting here in a dark room with ocean sounds waiting for Cash and Quinn to doze off into a sweet dreamy slumber. Should I go? Should I stay? Should I use music or white noise? Should I move bed time back? Or forward? Do we need some lavender essential oils?

One of the problems is that the “problem” is a moving target. Quinn has always been good at the going to bed part, but staying asleep is not a skill he has mastered. At first, he was nursing every two hours, then his eczema was waking him up, now he’s struggling to even fall asleep. Maybe we need to drop the nap? He wants to “hold you”, meaning put one tiny hand on each cheek and share the same breath while sleeping. This is adorable but no way to get a good night’s rest.

Cash, on the other hand, has never been good at falling asleep. Even as a baby he turned into a “rabid chipmunk” when he was tired and it was time for bed. He never showed sleep cues like yawning or rubbing his eyes. And if we were lucky enough to get him to sleep, he woke up if even the smallest thing in his environment changed, like we left the room. Now, he’s pretty good at going to sleep. We did drop the nap with him and school, generally speaking, wears him out. Our challenge with him is the nighttime potty training. He is determined to get it, with no pressure at all from us, but he’s not quite 100% yet. So he sometimes wakes up wet…And if it’s not that, sometimes he wakes up hungry (maybe he’s growing?). Either way, we are awake.

We have a two year old and a three year old, and it’s been years since we slept all the way through the night, or even halfway through the night. I long for real sleep. And at this point, it seems it should be possible. And yet here I sit.

I’m great at staying grounded in simplicity, at keeping my patience, at seeing my children for who they are. But I do have t admit, it’s hard when I’ve spent two hours in their bedroom trying to get them to sleep. Part of me says, just stop doing it. And, honestly, I think that part is correct. Self doubt keeps us all stuck.

Tonight we had a conversation. I told Quinn how brave he was and how I know he’s ready to go to sleep on his own and sleep all night. I told Cash the same thing. Cash loved the idea, but it broke Quinn’s heart. At least, that’s my mama interpretation of the result. Eventually I gave in to holding his hand. Within minutes he was out.

We all know this is a short phase. For now, they will likely wind up in our bed by morning and I will love their sweet snuggles.

One of the greatest challenges of having young kids is finding a way to carve out time for Colin and I to spend real time together, alone. I must admit, it’s been higher on his priority list than mine the past couple of years. While we are struggling to make all the puzzle pieces of school, work, writing, camp, speech, and money fit together, I sometimes forget that there’s another “us” that also needs attention.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. My best Mother’s Day so far! Colin was up at 5am making sure everything was just perfect. And it was. Then we ventured out to go shopping, with two hungry kids. It wasn’t our smartest move, but eventually we were back home and naps made everyone less grumpy, including myself. While I napped, Colin cleaned and out away laundry (not something he only does on Mother’s Day, by the way). I woke up just in time to get dressed. And then, magically our sitter showed up at 5pm.

I had been reluctant to get a sitter on Mother’s Day. In fact, I probably judged myself harshly for considering it. But man, was that everything I needed! We enjoyed a dinner for two, quietly. We talked about things we never get to talk about…Things that go beyond a calendar and a bedtime plan. We needed that. It’s so easy to get consumed in what it takes to raise children, but one night out reminds me what I’d be missing if I lost us.

I’m thankful Colin keeps our time at the top of his list.

This morning at Settling In, I caught a glimpse of the three of us, Cash, Quinn, and me. It was right after a long rush across the playground with Quinn crying about a toy and right before we all sat in a circle to sing this week’s Settling-In song, Standing Like a Tree.

After the morning routine of getting myself dressed, getting them dressed, making breakfast, making coffee, and getting ourselves to school on time. After a week of packing lunches, having patience at bedtime, waking up for wet beds, waking up for hungry bellies, waking up for itchy feet, making dinners, pottying, picking out fast shorts, buckling, unbuckling, cleaning up messes. We sat down together, with Quinn on my lap and Cash sitting beside me, and I caught a glimpse of our reflection.

In that moment, I saw my kids. My sons. Us. Our family. Myself as a mom. So much time is spent planning and managing all of the logistics of our lives and getting people where they need to go with everything they need.

And that moment this morning made me appreciate the time when we were all together again at the end of the day. I needed that reflection to remind me how much I love this time and how much we need to just be together.

This is us cuddled up watching tv together after school. So cozy. So squishy. So lovely.