As summer is coming to a close (this being the longest and shortest summer ever), we’re starting to move toward thinking about Fall. A new season in the new normal. We’ve made some big decisions about school, sending Cash and Quinn for half days. They miss playing with their friends and building projects. They miss structure and routine. I miss those things too.

We also know that it is very likely that school from home will happen again so I’ve tried to prepare us for that inevitable reality. This time I won’t be two weeks post-partum. This time it won’t catch us off guard. This time I hope to plan ahead for those days of learning at home.

Like I did at our old house, I set up a room for the boys, but this time with school and play in mind. They call it their “work room” and so far they spend more time in there than they do their “play room”. I love that they love learning and building and writing and drawing!

There are a lot of things we already had that now have a new spot to live…like clipboards, markers, cookie cutters, notebooks, paper, or science kits.

Some of the things we’ve changed this time around (besides a bigger house with a work room) hopefully will help Cash and Quinn be more engaged with their friends and their teachers. For example, we bought a tv that we’ve placed at eye level so they have a larger screen, but will also be more visible from anywhere in the room while on their video calls. My hope is that they can move more freely around the room while working.

We also bought a bigger table that is centered in front of the tv. They each have their own space now, and even have their own drawer. And being six feet away from the tv, at a table, might allow them to doodle, build, or fidget while also paying attention to the screen. That’s the hope, anyway.

The boys each have their own caddy filled with supplies like scissors, tape, sticky notes, glue, pencils, dry erase marker, and colored pencils. We have the kind with handles so they can easily move it back and forth to their table and the shelf where it lives.

One thing I bought new is a bunch of bins from Target, while they’re available for $3 each. I was initially getting them to store Legos but then realized they’re also perfect for our bookshelves, and these cubby bins have lids, so they’re stackable! Right now the colored bins are for color sorting Legos in the play room and the black ones are for the “work room”. It’s nice to be able to separate paint from scissors from project building material from math manipulatives. The matching book bins are super useful too!

I also created a word wall with some words from Target and a bulletin board I bought last year at The Container Store. It was intended to go in their room, then maybe our office, but it’s perfect for a word wall in the work room!

At the old house, we had too much furniture and not enough space. Two love seats always seemed to take up more space than I wished and never quite fit where they were placed. One now lives in the work room. It’s one that Colin and I bought when we were living downtown and needed a small option for a guest bed. It folds out into a twin bed, which we rarely use, but it’s always nice to have the option.

We’re still growing into the space and learning what might be useful as we move toward the new school year. I hope we have what we need to be able to find joy in learning at home as much as they feel it at school. Right now, I’m excited (and nervous) for them to start the year as a rising preschooler and rising kindergartener. I haven’t quite processed the grief that is just under the surface around missing settling in or the reality of masks at school. Right now, we’re controlling what we can and letting go of what we can’t.

I don’t remember who wrote the post about only having 18 summers with your kids, but it crept into my thoughts today as I was at the pool with Cash, Quinn, and Gray. I looked across the pool and saw Cash standing with his friend, Caroline, by the fence talking and sharing a snack. He looked so grown up and I thought, “This is summer number 5.” How can we be almost one third of the way through all of his childhood summers? I feel like we’re just getting started. And at the same time, I’m standing beside the pool, holding Gray, who has fallen asleep in my arms. I can’t help but think, “I wish I could put him down somewhere”. But when it’s just us, he stays in my arms…or in the carrier. Quinn begs me to go to the “grown up area” or to come in where he can reach. He still needs me, wants me to play, and I’m stuck under a baby. So that’s the pool juggle. Cash being independent, Quinn under my feet, and Gray on my hip.

Next summer will look completely different, as every summer has so far. And I’ll be further along in the countdown. I’m trying to enjoy this fifth summer despite how hard it is, because I know when I look back to these sweet days, I will miss them.

When we decided to have a third baby, we weren’t intimidated by the idea…because it was going to be like having a first baby, but with more experience. Cash and Quinn were going to be in school most of the time and Colin would be on parental leave. We were going to hang out, watch movies, take naps, and spend time together. Obviously, it didn’t quite work that way. Within about a week of Gray’s birth, schools closed and all five of us have been “working” from home ever since. The boys had distance preschool, while Colin and I had our own work to do.

For the most part, I think we’ve done a pretty good job with balancing a new baby, a global pandemic, two very full careers, and distance learning. Every once in a while, though, we bump up against an obstacle or two that has us revisiting what this all means, how to best schedule our time, and how to prioritize all the work that needs to be done. This is why it’s midnight and Colin is downstairs working and I am in our bedroom working. It’s also what led us to start looking at bigger houses…ones with an office with a door! Tonight, fortunately, the kids are sleeping! Some weeks there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get it all done during the day, which is unfortunate, because we are often woken up in the middle of the night and would love to be sleeping more.

I hope to remember this time sweetly, a time when we were all together at home, playing, learning, adventuring, and spending time doing things we love. I hope to remember this time as empowering, because some days I really feel like Colin and I must be superheroes to be able to keep this thing on track. I hope to remember this time as the ultimate juggling act, one that we did in a way that kept our kids happy and healthy through all of the chaos and uncertainty.

Some days it hits us just how hard this all is. It’s usually when we’ve gone a few days without good sleep or when we haven’t figured out how to feed ourselves. At the end of the day, though, it’s always nice to reflect together on what we’re doing well. Cash and Quinn are three and four years old. It’s easy to forget how recently they came into the world and what an amazing job they’re doing as little humans with so little experience. Their independence, love of learning, joy, and creativity have amazed me. And Gray is just so sweet and squishy that he makes any negativity fade away with his leg rolls and smiles.

We don’t know how long the germs will be lingering in our community, nor do we know what next year will look like. We do know that if we can get through this first six months, that the rest will be a piece of cake. As long as we can also stay healthy, we can get through whatever comes next.

When we bought our home in 2015, it was just Colin and me. We’d been living downtown in the Tobacco District in an 800 sq ft. loft, so a three bedroom home felt huge to us! In the five years that followed, we added Cash, Quinn, and Gray to our family. We’ve now outgrown this 1500 sq ft. Even though, I knew the day was coming, I stayed in denial. I became an expert at utilizing tiny spaces and optimizing the space we had. Then came a pandemic, where I was working from home with all three kids. The realization that we didn’t have enough space was not surprising, but it was painful.

It’s been said that I make decisions backwards. I decide and then I begin to worry about all the details after the fact. Honestly, I’m not even sure how we made this decision. One day I was browsing houses, then we were “just looking”, and then we were under contract. Then I cried. For days. I love our neighborhood, our community, our house. People kept telling me it was because I brought my kids home to this house, but the truth is I cried like this when we left Colin’s little basement apartment too. My process is that I have to start to shift from what we are leaving to what we are moving towards. It just takes me a while to get there.

The new house is all the things we need to get through the rest of this pandemic, and the teenage years. One thing that helped me make a decision about moving was to write down the values I hope to cultivate in our family in a new space. The list included things like a kitchen that is a gathering place for late night conversations, a place to have family and friends comfortably come visit us, a place where kids can play inside or outside with little supervision, space of my own for working and working out. I also relied on the happiness research that says people idealize the past and the future, and can only accurately report how happy they are in the moment. I talked to my friends who had upsized and those that had downsized.

I hope we landed in a home that will help our family become even closer, rather than separating us. The floor plan should help with that. I hope our home will let us enjoy more time with our people, once we don’t have to stay distant any longer. And I hope we are moving to a home where we can create a million more happy memories together!

Well this isn’t what we expected. The entire state, practically the country, is under a stay at home order. Schools are closed so Cash and Quinn are at home with us, but playgrounds, museums, and stores are closed as well. Our little family has been hunkered down since Gray was born, a little over two months now. His one month well child visit was with Dr. Makar via telehealth. It’s interesting times for sure.

We’re grateful for our health and our home and our jobs. We’re so grateful for our community, our family, our friends, and our school family.

When Cash was slowly, slowly, slowly drifting off to sleep…Which used to be a two hour ordeal between the ages of 1-3 years old, I used to wait until he was still and count to 100. If he stirred, I had to start over. It kept me sane, gave me an end point.

Quinn loves resting. He rarely fought a nap, but did prefer to snuggle someone. I always said he wasn’t a baby that wanted to be held. He wanted to hold you.

We are still learning about Gray but so far he loves his crib. He would scream at night and I would try to feed him or hold him but the only thing that soothed him was being put down in his crib. However, he wants me to stay in the room. I’m not sure if it’s hearing me or smelling me, but he will not settle until I’m lying in the guest bed beside his crib.

He’s currently tossing and turning. Grunting. Trying to decide if he loves his pack or hates it.

We were on the fence about a third baby for quite a while. It wasn’t until Quinn turned two and we took our first family vacation that I felt comfortable really talking about the idea. And now those conversations between Colin and me have become our reality. Gray is here and he is (so far) being our easiest baby yet! He’s already spent more time in a crib than Cash and Quinn combined! He’s so zen like and laid back. Who knows if this is his personality or if it’s just his newborn phase, but we are loving his energy being added to the mix!

Gray Ellison Dunbar arrived on Feb. 26th at 2:16. After weeks of trying to get him to turn head down, we finally gave in to the idea that he wanted to be born head up. After a failed ECV, we scheduled a c section. On Gray’s birthday, we tried one more final attempt to turn him around, but his heart rate kept dropping so after 15 minutes we decided he was ready to meet us. Ankita and Melanie were there. The energy was good…so, so positive and celebratory. If it had to be surgery, this was the ideal scenario.

Although this was my second c section, this time was different. Anesthesia was better (a lot less side effects), my arms were free to move, Colin was ecstatic rather than worried, our people were with us. And I knew, at 39+4 and two failed ECVs that this baby was not interested in being born any other way.

We watched through the clear drape, finally ready to know if our third baby would be a boy or a girl! With Quinn, I could see more and my first knowledge of him was seeing his pink feet in the reflection on the OR light. The blue drape was in my way this time, but I could hear his tiny gurgles. He didn’t let out a big cry…he just made tiny gurgling sounds. Ankita did the big reveal…another boy!! I’m sure a little girl would have been an amazing addition to our family, and most people were really hoping for a sister for Cash and Quinn, but Colin and I couldn’t hide the fact that we were overjoyed to add a third boy to our family!

Colin went with our baby, who didn’t yet have a name. He was quiet but no one seemed concerned so I was never worried. Melanie stayed by my head narrating what was happening with the baby and what Colin was doing. His O2 sats were in the 70s and 80s. They were working on getting them up. Ankita slowed down her sutures to give him time to perk up so we didn’t have to be separated.

Eventually Colin brought me a diapered baby and helped me hold him. He curled up all around my face. Just a tiny lump of cheeks and arms and legs. The first thing I said was “Look at his cheeks!”

What a sweet, sweet day. From there, we went to the recovery room for a couple of hours. We talked baby names. The one name that emerged from both our lists was Gray. We talked through some options but we were pretty sold on this one. All those months of trying to come up with something just right and we couldn’t quite do it. We even went to the library and checked out baby name books the morning he was born! And then there he was…and, of course, his name was Gray Ellison!

What a perfect addition to our family! I’m so grateful for our birth team (before, during, and after birth) and all the positive energy we’ve received from our community these past few days. I’m beyond happy to be enjoying these sweet, sweet (but also hard) days at home.

Today, after a brutal week of trying to flip a baby and the stomach bug hitting our house, I made time for some self care. I slept in until 10am (technically I got up at 5am and went back to bed at 7am, but still), Colin made french toast and bacon for my breakfast in bed, I went to Barre3, and then went to Brittni’s for a relaxing bath in her big tub! My tank is full!

This week is definitely a reality check. We tried unsuccessfully to turn this baby with an ECV, a FOUR hour ECV, which led to a c section on the schedule for the 26th. Then last night Quinn woke up with a stomach bug, which has turned into a fever. And I realized I hadn’t had a tdap shot or Group B strep test so I went to the OB today for those things and a quick check of my cervix. One cm dilated, which means little except that my body is getting ready.

I can already tell that with three kids, the road might be a bit bumpier when things like illness come into play. On top of that, taking one parent out of the game definitely has a much bigger impact!

We are still incredibly lucky to be able to do this, but this reality check is also a good reminder about perspective.