These early morning hours are my favorites some days. Cash is back to sleep, leaving me a little lost in my “free time”. I make a mental note of all the possibilities. I could take a shower, eat some breakfast, check Facebook, drink coffee, watch The Good Wife, get some work done, check my email, or go back to sleep. Any of those things would make my life so much easier later in the day.
My favorite thing to do, though, is to lie here quietly listening to tiny breathing next to me. Every once in a while there’s a wiggle and a squeak, mostly when the garbage man pulls up, a school bus stops outside, or when the dog stirs beside him.
I think about so many things. Am I being a good mom? Can I do this every day? What if we have more kids? How do moms survive multiple children? Am I being present enough? Am I enjoying this time together enough? What about every other aspect of my life? Are we all getting what we need? Are we happy?
Those are the worries. But there are also unequivocal joys. His tiny face and his tiny hands that I can’t get enough of. The sounds of him sleeping and the mystery of how we made this tiny being. The amount of hope this baby makes me feel toward the future. My love for my husband that, at times, overwhelms me. The awe of a brand new beginning, a clean slate, a new life.
Before the rush of the day begins, it is nice to be quiet and still. To pay attention for a minute to, both, the minute details of what it means to be a new mom as well as the bigger picture of what it means to be growing a family.
