I get lost a lot. I lose myself in sleep deprivation, multitasking, racing to get a shower, worrying about the future, managing time and money. It’s frustrating.
I can tell, though, when I’ve lost myself because Colin does this very telling thing. He kind of ignores me. Not in a mean way, but he pays attention to what really matters in the moment rather than listening to me talk about what is on sale at Target.
I catch a glimpse of myself in that mirror…when he’s making Cash laugh and I’m standing there holding Quinn, worrying about whether I bought enough apple juice or some other such silly thing. Every time, I know he’s right where he needs to be. That he’s right without telling me I’m wrong.
These baby days fly by, and drag by at the same time. And I’m so torn between enjoying them and feeling way too exhausted to stay present for long. I want to put down my phone and delete all my apps, but what will I do without my iBooks? Or event notifications? So I scale back for a while.
But the phone isn’t the problem. It’s a distraction, sometimes a needed distraction. The problem is within me. All the responsibility can feel so heavy at times. It’s up to me to make myself happy without guilt. It’s up to me to lighten my own load. All anyone wants is for me to be happy. I want to try to make that my goal. Do what makes me happy.
I think I’d feel a lot less lost.
Joyful Striving 