Take a Break

Lately, there’s been a lot of talking of taking a break. People tell me to take a break all the time. Lord knows I could use a break. But I’m having a hard time figuring out what that would look like to me in a way I’d feel ok about. And what is it about taking a break that feels so out of place?

In my ideal world, my break would happen in short snippets. I don’t like the idea of being gone, though plenty of people encourage me to be gone (for a weekend, for a week). I do like the idea of getting my toes done, having a glass of wine without any children around, listening to music instead of listening for crying, eating slowly with both hands free.

I worry that my fantasizing and needing a break comes with a cost though. It feels like it does. Colin very rarely talks about a break. He seems totally fine to go through these days, one at a time, enjoying all the moments he gets to spend with Cash and Quinn. Is his level of burnout different? Cause burnout is a word that has crossed my mind. I wonder if it’s making me less happy, less available, less present.

Cash starts school three days a week next week. Partly, it feels like a welcome change, one that I think he will love. On the other hand, I already miss him. Same with Quinn. I welcome the days when I can focus on work when I’m at work three days a week, but I also feel a tiny pain in my heart to think of Quinn at school. He’ll be there with Cash, though, which is the thought that reassures my mama heart.

Speaking of thoughts, I think more than anything, my thinking gets me a little stuck. I think way too much. I overthink. I double think. And I think some more. And what’s worse is that a lot of my thinking comes out of my mouth before I have had a chance to really reflect on it or on its consequences.

I miss my time with Colin. We spend so much time making decisions and talking through logistics. We also spend a lot of time getting kids to sleep or to eat. I miss having time that belongs to us, when we get to check out and be us for a while. I don’t want to rush things, but I also look forward to the days that allow us a little more time to be us again.