So, I have arrived in Hawaii. So far I have only seen Honolulu and Waikiki. Both are impressive in their own ways. I am looking forward, though, to getting out into the country…following some dirt roads (figuratively speaking). I’ve rented a convertible and am heading up to the North Shore bright and early tomorrow morning. I can’t wait! It feels like tomorrow will be a day of freedom! Roaming around Oahu with the top down and the radio up sounds like one of the best days of 2008!

Balance seems to be a good theme for the week. Yesterday it was 75 degrees and sunny so I rode around with the top down (getting caught up on some errands). Today it is dreary and stormy so I sat home and watched movies, happy to not have to straighten my hair or worry about real clothes. The balance, or the contrast, is nice. I love them both equally…warm, sunny days and dark, dreary ones.
This Spring Break I have tried to give myself the gift of relaxation while still keeping in mind all of the necessities that must get done. I look back and think I have done a good job during the past week of paying attention to both. This is the balance I have been searching over the past several months. I did not drive home (though at times I wanted to), but instead took some time…a luxury in the past two years.
I hear people talk about being busy, not having time, feeling rushed. And I don’t want to minimize those feelings for other people. I’m sure there are people out there who are much busier than I will ever be. However, I myself have said that I was “soooo busy” at various points in my life (e.g., working full-time nights and taking 18 hour semesters to finish college, working 2 full-time jobs and taking 3 graduate level classes, etc.), but nothing compares to the busy I have seen or done in these last 24 months. Maybe when I have children, I will look back and think this amount of busy is nothing in comparison. But I would like to think that even with children there are moments of being present in your own life. My own life seems to have faded in the past two years, despite my enormous efforts to coax it to stick around, telling it that this is short-term and not an eternal commitment. It abandoned me during my first semester, though…packed its bags and headed south. So…
…next week I am going to retrieve it. I leave for Hawaii on Sunday. I am taking books that have called my name for months, magazines that date back to november that have sat unread for too long, my ipod that begs to be heard, and some suntan lotion.
My balance, you see, comes in spurts these days, 1-2 week increments rather than an hour or two here and there. I must take advantage when I have the opportunity. I want to remember this trip as relaxing, invigorating, adventurous, and beautiful. I want to get to the last day and feel deep sorrow that I have to return to my school/work life. I want to forget the person I am right now that carries a calendar everywhere and has trouble sleeping when there is so much to be done. I want to return from Hawaii as the person I was before my life was sucked away. I am going to go to the beach, apologize to my life, and beg it to leave paradise and return to Greensboro with me. I’m sure it will be reluctant at first, but it will eventually agree.
I am not looking for the light at the end of the tunnel as much as I am looking to paint the inside of the tunnel with a million beautiful colors!

Unanswered prayers seems to describe where I am right now. I feel as though there is a crossroads and I am standing smack in the middle of the thing. I have felt this way before (and I’m sure this won’t be the last time), but I feel it all over right now. The decision to continue on with school seems to have propelled me toward many opportunities I am not so sure that I want. Then again, I’m not so sure that I don’t want them either. I feel like I am trying my best to keep other people out of the line of fire as I navigate this new terrain, because there are going to be many ups and downs and many final decisions that result in me changing my mind five more times. That’s just how I roll:) I think more than anything, I am dreading the stepping away…maybe some people would call it “letting go”. It seems to fulfill some of my dreams I am going to have to step away from others (I know, this is generally the way the world works, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it). Right now I can stand here and look a little ways down each path (as far as I can see anyway) and I like all of the paths that lie before me, but choosing ONE…that’s the tricky part. On one hand, the glass is half full, and all the opportunities in the world are out there just waiting for me. On the other hand, the glass is half empty, and I am going to have to “let go” of some things I hold dear to go after them. So, which unanswered prayers will remain? It’s hard to say at this point, but I hope that whichever path becomes the one I am walking, that I never lose sight of who I am or what is most important in my life.

I think I caught a touch of Spring Fever! Or maybe it was PhD Fever! I had a week of 14 hour days and needed some more fun, more spontaneity, more life! So…I bought myself a convertible. And, boy, am I lovin’ it! I’ll tell you…I am certainly feeling my life more than I have in a while. That’s the only way I know to describe it. I drive with the top down and really feel my life. Maybe I’m more grounded in nature, maybe I’m closer to God, or maybe the wind in my hair reminds me what it is like to be free! All I know is that my life feels enormous…like it fills me up and I have no idea how I could possibly have all of the opportunities, all of the friends, all of the time, all of the life that I have. And I complain about not having enough of any of it at times…especially when school starts to steal these things away from me, but really I am even so lucky to be able to be doing what I’m doing. So…with my top down and my radio up, I’m enjoying my moments…one at a time.

So…this week has been trying. One of those weeks of being a counselor when I wonder if I am truly strong enough to hold the hope, be the bridge, or provide the space in a way that is not going to completely pull me under like an ocean’s undertow that sneaks up on you, but is powerful enough to wash you out to sea. I wonder sometimes…do I have enough hope, enough space, enough time, energy, enough of me to give? It’s hard to tell someone their daughter is sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night and holding a knife to her chest, wondering if she will be able to “go through with it” this time…especially when the daughter is only 9. It is tough to watch a child so filled with angst that he flees his classroom and the school building running toward home, toward something that feels safer. It is hard to tell a student that she may not be ready to be a counselor at this time in her life. And it is incredibly hard to watch someone you love slowly distance themselves from you, from everyone. All in a week’s time. I sit here, sitting, breathing, thinking, writing, feeling depleted…like there is not much left to give. I think about other people in my life who probably feel this same sense of having given every ounce they have to give and then plopping down on the couch, in the bed, on the floor, hoping never to have to move a muscle again. And I think about the times when I have felt this way before…it never lasts long, maybe hours. Then I am inspired to do some more good, spread some more hope, be the strength for those who are unable to be strong right now, the voice for those young voices that are often unheard, the safe person for someone to talk to. And when it is all said and done, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

This weekend I put everything school related on hold to enjoy my few days away from the real world. I am reminded as we go from snow storms to sixty degrees that time flies and things can change dramatically in the blink of an eye. I tried to put my worries on hold for a couple of days and just…rest. I have a supervisee that I am concerned about, students at the elem. school that need quite a lot of attention, relationships that are being neglected, and pressures of a doc program piling up on my shoulders. Spring Break is right around the corner and that’s when it all tends to hit at once…after Spring Break! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this year will somehow be different, while also not holding my breath. The ideal and the real keep colliding in my world as I try to make sense of what I want, where I am going, and how I got to where I am. So, this weekend all of that stopped for a while. I enjoyed a glass of wine, went shopping, saw a midnight movie, and enjoyed good food and good friends. Refreshing. Even when I go home lately, it is always a hustle-bustle time, trying to fit people in and spend time with everyone. It leaves me feeling stretched thin and rushed. Then I come back to a week of the same. But how do I slow it down? Who do I leave out? Decisions, decisions. Like I’ve said before, I have always been good, no really good, at self-care and still practice my typical rituals (reading good books, getting my nails done, staying in touch with friends, getting plenty of rest and plenty of sleep, taking long baths, etc.), but somehow it is just not enough at this point. I feel behind in the self-care department. Like there are so many things I am missing out on, sacrificing, for the sake of my education and my future self (whoever she may be). I know, other people say it’s all going to be worth it…and I realize this, hence the studying and classes I am currently doing. But, at times I wish I could just toss it all up in the air and say I am taking my life back…a life full of going out, staying up really late, sitting in the sun with no worries, sleeping in until 10am, and flying by the seat of my pants. Is this what growing up is all about? Cause I am not really a fan of the schedules and planning, squeezing things in, or missing people I really love.

I am being hard on myself to stay on the sunny side of life. I want to be there…I really, really do. And what drags me away from basking in the sunshine in a lush green pasture with birds chirping and tulips all around? Email, cell phone, schoolwork, people, etc. Since starting my PhD program, I have lost track of parts of myself…the parts that can sit still. Crazy, considering it is a counseling program I am in. Now, I can still be present with clients or supervisees without much trouble, but my own simple pleasures are tougher. And anyone who knows me knows this is NOT me. I am the queen of self-care, but am struggling (not in the big picture, I’m still good at that) to be still and quiet on a daily basis. My mind races …What am I supposed to be working on? What can I get ahead on? What did I forget to do? Maybe I should check my planner one more time. I wonder if I posted to BlackBoard? And before I realize it, I’m frenzying myself when all I really need to do is relax. Interestingly, I do not have this problem on breaks or vacations, but in the middle of a semester I have been trained (conditioned) to be a slave to school and school work. To some degree, I cannot change the nature of my program and the extremely high expectations, but I am working on setting limits to my email checking, enjoying bubble baths from time to time, sipping red wine and dreaming of Italy, and reading my Oprah magazine on THE day it arrives at my doorstep. These simple things are hopefully going to make some big differences (a reference to the Tipping Point…a great book!). Again, I feel like overall I do a pretty good job with this, but I would like to slow down even further this semester…take things one thing a time (literally) and keep myself at the top of the list. The happiest people (I learned in my new O magazine) are those that pursue excellence in whatever they are passionate about. I am currently in the process of doing that. And it does make me incredibly happy, especially being at the elementary school (which helps me remember my roots and why I went into this field in the first place). So, now I just need to stay grounded in the knowledge that “sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand…It sure makes everything else seem so small”.

The Change is a song Garth Brooks wrote after the Oklahoma City Bombing. I heard the words the other day on my way to work…after a long week (to say the least!) The lyrics were exactly what I needed that day…exactly. Lately I have been feeling like there are so many people who tell me, expect me, want me to be something different, something other than who I genuinely am. Most people probably feel that way, I guess, but in the last two weeks I have really been faced with trying to balance who I want to be with who others want me to be. And I decided, that day in the car listening to the radio, that this world will not change me.
Now that is not to say that I won’t grow or change at all! I couldn’t be a counselor if that was my outlook…I could’ve been a mailman or a zoo keeper if that was how I felt. I just mean that I like who I am, and I happen to know several other people who like who I am. Therefore, I think I’ll stick with the original (always better than a remake or an imitation anyhow).
In the meantime, I am working on being the best kind of me there is. I’ve been getting up bright and early and walking two miles before (let me stress the BEFORE part) work in the mornings. I’ve also been reading a fabulous book called Stumbling on Happiness (more sociology meets psychological research than the self-help it sounds like) and reflecting on the book I just read called Eat, Pray, Love. I recommend them both! And I’m continuing to avoid caffeine, drink more hot tea and more water, eat three meals a day, get plenty of rest, get ahead on my school work, keep in touch with people I love (and who love me for who I am), moisturize twice daily, and keep my sense of adventure always in my pocket (to be pulled out at a moment’s notice!) I hope you all are able to do the things that make you the happiest and to be fully present when you are doing them…enjoying them to their fullest (even the simplest of pleasures).

Ok…it’s been flip flop weather in December! Crazy! And nice at the same time. It has inspired me to get out some of my fun summer dresses and wear them all week long…with flip flops! I even had to paint my toes…in December! Crazy stuff. School has ended for the semester and now I am just working at the elem. school for a while. My project for the next week involves Christmas Cheer…providing cheer for families that need it. I feel good about it. It certainly makes me grateful for the life that I lead, the decisions I have made, and the sacrifices I am currently making. I mean this in a non-judging way. I am grateful to be able to help others in this season of love and giving. I am grateful to be in a job that allows me to have a window into others lives, when they let me, and to be able to help in some small way.

Gosh! I hate to sound so cynical and miserly about Thanksgiving…and usually am a HUGE fan of the holidays, but this year…not so much. And, unfortunately, I am not sure the next holiday is going to go much better.
On the upside, I remembered this week what it was like to really take time for myself. Maybe all those martinis weren’t the best idea, but they helped…a lot. I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone, hung out with one of my favorite people on the planet (Evan), stepped completely away from all things UNCG related, and hung out with people who don’t care anything about dissertations. What a relief!
Now I am back and trying hard to put one foot back in the PhD game. I am resisting to say the least. I need more martinis, more dancing, more time with people who are fun. I’ve been working on that over the past few months and finally succeeded this past week. Although the circumstances weren’t ideal, the experiences I had as a result were just what I needed.
I am going to try my best to keep the holiday spirit alive despite everything that is going on. To be continued…