Just when I had it all figured out…or thought I had it all figured out! I’ve been remodeling my life for the past six months. I was downsizing, simplifying, refocusing, etc. I joined a counseling practice, decided to become a Pure Barre instructor, and started my own company. Sounds lovely. And now I’m being tested.

On the very day I received my EMR training and my Pure Barre contract, I also received about 20 emails and phone calls letting me know that there would be a position open in the school system that I might be interested in applying for. These were people who were quite interested in me applying. And this was the one position I’ve said for years I would apply for if and when I had the chance. Dang it.

I have only submitted my resume and cover letter, no decisions have been made yet, but it’s an interesting turn of events at a point in time when things seemed to be falling into place quite nicely. And maybe they still are, whatever happens. It’s just interesting to return to the diverging roads one more time to wonder whether I’m on the right path or just wishing on someone else’s star.

Today I went to an interview. I usually rely on my brains, completely on my brains, in an interview. But in this case, I had to rely on my brains and my body. It definitely makes me reflect on how I see myself and how I try to portray myself to others. I’ve decided that in social situations, I try to be the smart girl, not the pretty girl. So this exercise in integrating both of my selves was more challenging than I expected.

I interviewed for an instructor position with the co-owners of the new Pure Barre studio that is opening in Greensboro this fall. I’ve been doing Pure Barre for a little over two years now and I love it just as much now as I did when I first started! It’s changed so many things in my life. Besides being in better shape overall, I drink more water, pay more attention to what I eat, sleep better, and have the self-confidence I had at 20 about my body. It’s truly been one of the most life changing things I’ve done.

So when Christina (one of my instructors in the Chapel Hill studio) said she was starting a location in Greensboro, I was SO excited that I would no longer have to drive 45 minutes to Chapel Hill! Then she emailed and asked if I would be interested in teaching. I must admit, at 34 years old, I was flattered!

I can’t help but think how awesome my 10 year old self would think this is! She’d be all about me teaching something dance related like this. At one time, this was my passion. I lived for ballet classes! I hope that this new venture might give me the balance I’ve been looking for…a true mind-body balance!

I go to training July 10-14th in Denver. I’m excited and intimidated, but love that it’s something completely different! I can’t wait!!

At the Pure Barre studio in Chapel Hill

I read a quote recently that says, “Start at the Beginning and go to the end. Then stop.” Seems simple enough. However, I’m beginning to think I don’t seem to have an awareness for when I’ve reached the end. I tend to keep going, afraid of ending too soon. Something might come up. This might lead to something. Maybe I’m missing something. I’d hate to walk away too soon. 

So, I’m looking for the end. Exploring new beginnings. And hopefully, someday soon, I will be able to stop and be less busy a woman…at least for a time.

Rhonda, Whitney, and I at the Grand Opening Celebration for the Sylvan Health Center

Brian Toomey, CEO of Piedmont Health (sponsoring agency for the Sylvan Health Center)

It’s official! The Health Center is Open for Business!

Ribbon Cutting Ceremony 6/6/2013

I think it’s hard to be where I’m from sometimes. I wouldn’t change it, not for a second. But being a girl from NY who (mostly) grew up in a small town in the mountains of NC, who went away to college in Chapel Hill is an interesting mix of schema!

At times, this works to my advantage, giving me a variety of perspectives on life. But in other ways, I feel like its a constant awareness to try to unlearn some of the lessons I’ve internalized about being a woman.

I love where I’m from…all of where I’m from. And I’m grateful for all of my experiences. It’s when the three create contradictions within myself that things get really interesting.

Today, for the first time, I was able to sit in my little health center and work with a nurse practitioner who will be our full-time person out there. My heart is full.

I say she couldn’t change me because throughout the past four years of this project there have been so many setbacks and speed bumps. I look back now and see what other people saw, that it’s crazy to work that hard for something with no guarantee that it will ever happen. Sometimes (ok, often) that work was for no monetary compensation. But today, I couldn’t be more proud of what this little dream has done. It has created health care in a community that has always had none. It has provided jobs in a community with few. It has brought together people in a way that resembles true collaboration. Again, my heart is full. This little dream took on a life of its own. My greatest task in all of this has been to hold onto hope when everyone else was giving up.

On February 14th, a day I often don’t look very forward to, my little health center will open its doors to its first patient. It’s big for me. It’s big for Sylvan. It’s big for Snow Camp. And I couldn’t be happier 🙂

Putting things off. I’ve been guilty of being too busy, of letting people and time slip by, of not being present. I think this will always be a work in progress for me. I love my work and the work that finds me. I love newness, innovation, adventure. Sometimes I forget the old or the familiar.

Next week, I am going out to LA. I’ve never been! I’m going to see an old friend in a new place. She’s adjusting….we’ll leave it at that. I don’t think she realizes what an inspiration she is to so many people, girls especially, because she is going after a dream that once seemed impossible. I love her. She is one of my very favorite people. And it breaks my heart to hear her say things like, “I don’t like myself” or “I think mean things about myself”. She is awesome! I’m flying across the country to remind her of that!

I also have a close friend, and a couple of acquaintances, who were recently diagnosed with Stage 3 or Stage 4 Cancer. Nothing like cancer to help me remember to live in the moment. The things that sometimes seem so big are truly so small compared to what is most meaningful in life, our relationships. 

And while I’m better than most about staying in touch, maintaining close ties, and keeping people around, I always also feel inept at spending the time I want to spend with people who I love dearly. And it’s not just life getting in the way. It’s me, getting in my own way, with my mucked up priorities.

So I’m gonna keep working on it. And I’m gonna try to catch myself when I say “In a or two” or “when things are less busy”.

Every once in a while it’s so nice to just get away, to sit by myself, and get myself back to center. As I sit here by a fire, surrounded by snow and mountains, I can definitely clearly see some lessons I wish I could manage to bring back to my real life:

• Staying balanced happens by every single little decision that is made during every single day. No matter how much I talk about wanting balance, I have to implement it in my daily life.
• I need a mentor to help me navigate the new career world that I am in. I find myself lost and drowning in this new corporate environment. I need a person to help me with that.
• People are who they are, even when they aren’t who I expected them to be or who I wish they were.
• Gratitude is something I privately practice, but I would like to spend even more time in gratitude on a daily basis in a more public manner.
• A reminder that I need to constantly evaluate what’s important vs. what’s urgent with work

I have done a much better job with boundaries in recent years. I no longer work during the evenings or on the weekends. It’s been life changing to not have my work overflow into every crevace of my life.For so long, I didn’t have a choice with work, school, etc. Now, my free time is filled with friends, family, Pure Barre, reading, basketball, good food, music, book club, and lots of laughter.

Being around people whose entire life is work and responsibility makes me so very grateful for my boundaries. It also inspires me to continue to create a life that I will look back at without regret. I want to be present in my life, fully present. I want it to be amazing, spent with amazing people, doing amazing things.

This song is on my mind tonight. I’ve been told I circle back quite often in my life, which is sometimes detrimental to my moving forward, but it’s something I have to do in order to move in a direction. It’s just one of those things.

My posts are usually written during times when I am thinking a lot (i.e., thinking too much), or as my mom calls it, “fretting”. I try not to fret, not to worry, not to over think, but I currently have a twitchy left eye, which means these attempts to cover up my fretting are not working. I’m in Colorado, where I have spent the past three days teaching group counseling skills. I’m not sure why that matters, but the change in scenery has provided me with a little bit of perspective.

So let’s talk about my strongest weakness. Perfectionism. Although I love making mistakes, and it is in fact one of my favorite things about myself, I also strive to be a perfect version of my imperfect self. Of course, I see my imperfections every day. I’m sometimes really lazy, I like to sleep, hate to cook, sometimes run out of patience, I hate the tops of the backs of my thighs, I’m completely addicted to my iphone, love staying in bed all day on a Saturday, I let the laundry pile up, I let my gas tank run down to empty every time, I hate to feel rushed, I buy too many shoes, and I sometimes don’t pay as much attention to people in my life as I should.

As much as I can forgive these things in myself, I also find myself unsure about letting other people see these sides of me. It’s not that I hide them, but I certainly don’t broadcast them. I showed a video about shame in my class this weekend, one that helped normalize that many, many women feel shame when they are unable to meet all of the expectations placed on them. My class made a list of “Don’ts” women face. They included things like: don’t be too smart, but don’t be too dumb, don’t get old, don’t get fat, don’t curse, don’t make too much money, don’t be a slut, don’t be too conservative, don’t be aggressive, etc.

I haven’t yet put it all together, but there’s something to this shame and perfectionism that is a silent epidemic amongst my friends.

talking to Karen; clean sheets; not working on a grant; snow; playing Scrabble with Mom; Music City Bowl; making soup; getting organized; homemade chocolate chip cookies; Mom ordered me a new mixer attachment after I ruined mine in the dishwasher; routines; Tiffany; Words with Friends; HRSA grant; being snowed in; Mom’s call and Dad’s email; Shanna’s excitement about NYC; walking with Caitlin; finding Brandon a baseball team and a glove; beautiful weather; going out in Raleigh; walking at Lake Mackintosh; sitting by the pool; eating really good food; talking to Mom on her drive from getting Adam’s quilt; Pure Barre; Casey calling tonight; chocolate milkshake; such good friends; all the laundry is done and even the shower curtain got washed