On being perfect

Well this is a recurring topic. Two people who hardly know me made comments about my perfectionism last week. That sends a message.

Baby Quinn is doing his best to teach me to let go of my perfectionism (and maybe some control). He’s currently breech. Head up, feet up, bottom down. Really? He still has time to turn, but not much time. I’ve tried a few spinning babies techniques and some other strategies that people have suggested.

It definitely makes me reflect on how smooth things were with Cash’s birth. Now that the words c-section are being thrown around, I’m so, so grateful to have had a different experience the first go round. I tell myself, this is what c-sections are for, these types of birth situations, but it’s still a lot scarier to trust a doctor than my own body.

Reflecting on my own perfectionism, it’s now become obvious that it’s something I rely on in times of stress or when I lose some control over making decisions. These next few weeks definitely fit that category! We will see what this baby has in store for us. He’s already a lot different than his big brother!

This is us trying to spin a baby!

School.

I’ve worked in schools my entire career…public schools, private schools, preschools, elementary schools, middle schools, high schools, and universities. I’ve seen behind the curtain, and it scares me. I’ve seen school change kids and change families, sometime for better and sometimes for worse.

Last July, I signed Cash up for the wait list at The Little School at Duke. It was the one school I had heard amazing things about from a school psychologist friend who sent her kids to the school in Hillsborough. There we were, having lunch at Nantucket Grill with our two week old baby and I was filling out preschool applications for the following fall. It felt ridiculous.

Fast forward one year to the day we got the email that Cash had a spot for the coming school year and it felt more like a blessing! Colin and I visited the school a few weeks ago and fell in love! I never thought I’d be able to say that. I never thought a school would feel good enough. And yet, here we are…two weeks from Cash’s first birthday and a few more weeks until we are dropping him off at school! Granted, it’s only two days a week, but still. It’s a huge transition for our family.

I hope he loves it, and makes lots of friends. I hope other kids are kind to him and he is kind to them. I hope his teachers love him and understand his personality. I hope he gets to be himself, but also cooperates well with others. And I hope Colin and I feel like we’ve made the right decision when we look back.

I’m excited for this next step of sharing Cash with the world, but also a little intimidated. It feels like a leap of faith, but the perfect timing adds a bit of serendipity, which makes me feel like this is a good decision. I hope so, anyway.

Hey-ya

That’s what Cash calls me. Dada was his first word, of course. Those two are inseparable!

It’s so interesting to watch our relationships with Cash begin to grow separately. For the most part, he’s still happy with either of us taking on nurturing or playful roles with him. But every night we climb in bed and our routine begins. Colin and Cash play, or wrestle, to get out that last little bit of energy. Cash will then cuddle up with Colin and start to settle in. When it’s time for the serious business of sleep, though, he comes crawling, climbing, or rolling over to his mama. Maybe it’s the last remnants of our bygone nursing times together. I’ll miss it when it’s gone, is all I know.

When Quinn arrives, I’m afraid Cash and I will miss out on some of our most favorite cuddle times. Or I just need to figure out how to cuddle both babies at once! Our king sized bed is on its way for that very reason!

The Emotional Train

Man, I could swear I’m having a totally different kind of pregnancy this time. I kept thinking it’s different enough so we must be having a girl. But nope, it’s another boy!!

These emotions, though, are out of control! Today, I cried over how much I love Colin after looking at his profile picture on Facebook. I also got emotional talking about someone else’s birth story. Not to mention the idea of two little boys…brothers. It’s all just so much for my heart to handle these days.

I’m so grateful that Colin is riding these waves with me. Honestly, I’m sure he’d prefer not to, but I am so very appreciative of his company! I owe him a lot for giving me space, talking things through, and letting me work through my own stuff. I don’t know how he knows me better than I know myself, but he for real does!

11 months old. 8 months pregnant.

Cash is doing so many cool things these days. So many things I don’t want to forget!

He takes everything apart!

He has the cutest little face when he drinks from a straw!

He dances with his little arm up in the air

He tries to share with Tyson and Bama, which looks more like throwing pacis at them than sharing

He laughs ALL the time!

Shoes are some of his favorite things, especially the Velcro!

He snuggles with his raincoat in the car

He’s very good at cheering and clapping

He’s working on drinking from a cup

And, of course, still loves being in the carrier though his dad does most of the wearing these days since my belly gets in the way!

Last night, I was rocking Cash to sleep in the rocker in our bedroom. He was curled around my belly, his little brother in there wiggling all around. Moments like that make me realize the sweetness of right now in the midst of all the business of baby years! ❤️

We go together

The other day I was sitting at the pool with Cash and noticed something was different. I no longer felt like I was at the pool by myself trying to juggle all the baby things that need juggling. I was at the pool with Cash and we were hanging out. At ten months, he is definitely his own person! It’s such a nice shift, one I hadn’t noticed before.

He and I are together a lot. We go to the store. We go to campus. We go visit friends. We go have lunch. People always tell me how good he is, even complete strangers. He loves the attention and loves trying out his new skill of saying, “hi” with a long wave that looks more like a salute. Haha.

Cash is talking more and trying to repeat what we say, no matter how big a word! I can’t wait for all the conversations I’m going to get to have with him! Just to know what he’s thinking!

For now, I’m trying to enjoy these last few days with him alone, and appreciate all the time we have together.

Skimm Please

I’m excited to say that I finally wake up in the morning and read the Skimm again! It’s been nine months.

In the beginning, after Cash was born, I’d wake up and feed him first thing in the morning. When Colin went back to work, I allocated 15 minutes of time before he left to brush my teeth, go to the bathroom, and grab a cup of coffee before feeding a baby. Eventually we moved on to different breakfast routines, and to morning diaper routines. Cash has never minded sleeping in, or at least snuggling in bed. I’m very grateful to not have an early riser!

But this week was a turning point! In a good way. I’ve been reading the Skimm every morning…like I used to! It’s no longer the very first thing I do, but I can change a diaper, grab a bottle, grab some coffee, and read the Skimm. Cash is happily drinking his bottle. I’m happily taking a moment. It’s a beautiful thing! Feels like winning 🙂

Protecting my time

I’ve always been so good at protecting my time. Nowadays I’m good at protecting other people’s time and not protecting time for myself and my work. I’m not sure what’s behind it, really. Maybe I’m being people pleasing. Maybe I don’t want to depend on other people to get what I need. Maybe just a big mess of ambiguity where I want contradictory things.

The craziest part is that I’ve always been so good at this. I’ve always protected my time well, scheduled only as much as I could handle, and had good boundaries. Well, ok. Maybe not always. But since 2013. I’ve worked really hard on this!

I think my calendar is probably my best friend in this instance. That’s downplaying how complicated this issue is for me, actually. My calendar can probably help some. But I think the rest is up to me to realize that I’m gonna need to get a lot more creative with when and how I have time. And what that looks like. Like early mornings and/or late nights.

Right this second, my time looks like being scooted all the way to the edge of the bed, with one sleeping baby snuggled up next to me while a second baby is rhythmically kicking me from the inside. But I think that’s the thing…I think this counts nowadays. It’s quiet…No one else is here… I think this is me time.

International conferencing

We got passports. We got plane tickets. We woke up at 4am. We made it to Montreal. And then…

We got the stomach flu. Did we see Montreal? No. Did I spend time with colleagues? No. Was it worth the trip? That’s still up in the air.

On one hand, I’m so glad the three of us went together. I’m grateful every time our family is tested and I wind up feeling successful at the end. But was it worth the money, energy, time, and effort to make this trip happen? I call it our training wheels trip. We learned a lot.

Cash’s first plane ride. RDU>LGA>YUL

My friend, the fish

Before I had a baby I don’t remember feeling lonely. Alone, sure. But never lonely. A few sleepless nights in a row, with a new baby, introduced loneliness to my life. Colin was here. And Cash was here. Sometimes they were both sound asleep, while I was lying in bed counting down the minutes to the next time Cash would need to nurse. Those middle of the night moments could get lonely.

So….I hung out with our goldfish. This sounds crazy. Maybe “hung out” is exaggerating. He or she (the fish) doesn’t even have a name, but we’ve had said fish for almost two years now. Such a trooper, that fish. And again, I know this sounds crazy, but that fish and I were sometimes the only ones awake. He was my silent companion. He was awake and swimming. He was mesmerizing to watch.

I didn’t talk to our fish or anything. It didn’t go that far! But he kept me company in those early days. Now the nights aren’t so lonely. I don’t need my fish friend as often. These days we (mostly) sleep all night. But someday soon, I may be welcoming his silent company once again.

Sleep deprivation is real, people. Sleep deprivation can also be lonely. And we do what we must to get through it. For me, it was bonding with our fish!

Update: My friend, the unnamed fish, died in June 2016. I’ll need to find a new friend to keep me company. RIP fish.