Little Hands, Little Feet, Little Arms

Now that Cash and Quinn are old enough to have their own little relationships, one thing that stands out to me are their little hands, little feet, and little arms. Last night, all four of us were in our king size bed. Some nights bedtime goes better than others. Last night was one of those nights that we gave in and all went to bed together. In the middle of the night, Quinn woke up, crawled over to Cash and held his hand…then fell back asleep. Any amount of annoyance about being woken up in the middle of the night was gone. It is the sweetest thing to see them reach for each other, in the same way that they reach for Colin and me.

This morning, when I finally woke up at a decent hour (5am), Cash was on one side snuggling into my neck with his little hand on my face, Quinn was on the other side of me snuggling into my arm with his little arm around my neck. It’s just too much sweetness to handle sometimes. These little boys who I know one day won’t want to, won’t need to snuggle, like this anymore.

Little wet footprints tracked through the kitchen after coming home from the pool, little finger prints on the front door from afternoons waiting for Colin to get home from work, little reaching arms to be picked up. Quinn kicks his little jumpy legs anytime we pick him up. Cash reaches his little hand up to walk him down the steps. Cash twirls his paci when he’s tired and getting ready to fall asleep.

Is it possible to miss them being little already? When they’re still so little? It makes my heart hurt.

Crazy pregnant Things

I have totally forgotten so many things that happened when I was pregnant…with Cash and Quinn! How is it possible? The hormones and the sleep deprivation! So here’s a list of some of the weird and not so weird things:

1. Not being able to open my fingers int he morning during the last weeks of being pregnant with Cash. I couldn’t even pick up a pillow or pull up the sheets!

2. The heart burn. Oh god the heart burn with both babies!

3. I couldn’t step sideways when I was first pregnant with Quinn

4. Not puking, but gagging. Ugh, the gagging during the first trimester.

5. With Cash, I was exhausted during the first trimester. I couldn’t even manage to go to the grocery store by myself. If I did go, usually with Colin, it was the main event of the day and then I needed a nap.

6. Skin tags. I’ll leave that alone. They only happened with Cash.

7. Neither of my babies was positioned “correctly”. Cash was posterior. Quinn was breech.

8. I had a hard time with my vision in the first trimester both times.

9. Dehydration. So thirsty… all the time.

10. With Quinn, I got weird freckles under my eyes that still haven’t completely gone away

11. Cash was always on my right hip, like in my pocket in the beginning. Quinn was stretched straight out with his head on the right and his feet on the left in a horizontal line.

12. With Cash, my fingers swelled up sooo big. I had to go buy a new wedding ring in a size 9!

13. My superpower smelling abilities

14. After Cash was born, I cried a lot. I cried watching movies. I cried over a story about a little boy going to kindergarten and missing his mom. I cried because I didn’t want to “share him with the world”

15. After Cash, I had no temperature regulation whatsoever. We would get back from a walk and it took me hours to cool off

The Sweetest Things

I just finished putting Quinn to bed. Bedtime is something we’ve been working on lately. I was rocking him before putting him down, and, as always, he just gazed into my eyes and played with my hair. The sweetest thing.

I came downstairs to the kitchen and saw the pink piece of paper smeared with glitter paint on the fridge. Cash made that for me. It’s the first thing he brought home from school that he made for me. Every time he looks at it, he says, “Awwwww” and runs over to give me a hug. He’s so proud of his painting. He points to himself, then he points to me and tells me he made it at “cool”. The sweetest thing.

I am surrounded by all these little things, these little moments that make my heart literally feel like it might explode. Cash stumbling into our room in the middle of the night to climb in bed with us. Quinn wanting me to sleep beside him so he can drape his tiny baby arm over my neck and hold me close. The way Quinn curls in when he’s finished with his bottle and ready to sleep. The way Cash says his little, “Yeah” when we ask him questions.

I already miss all of this.

Baby Number 3

In my heart, there exists a Baby Dunbar #3. I love that baby so much. I think it would be amazing to watch that baby with two older brothers. I’d love to have the crazy of three kids. I’d love to have a big family for holiday and birthday celebrations. I can’t imagine how full my heart would feel watching our three kids grow up together.

It’s not completely out of the question, BUT I’m not sure we can handle a third baby either. There are so many logistics that would make it harder to be a family of five. Rationally, I think we are better to stick with being a family of four. Rationally. But my heart tugs at me.

Baby #3 will always be in my heart, whether he or she makes it to meet us or not.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying the adjustment to a life of not being pregnant, cutting back on nursing, spending more time at work, and getting into a groove. It’s a nice feeling! This is the calmest our lives have been in a couple of years. It almost feels…easy. But, that’s just because today Cash is at school and the bathroom remodel project is paused for today. Gimme a couple of days and I’ll be calling it unmanagaeable again!

Take a Break

Lately, there’s been a lot of talking of taking a break. People tell me to take a break all the time. Lord knows I could use a break. But I’m having a hard time figuring out what that would look like to me in a way I’d feel ok about. And what is it about taking a break that feels so out of place?

In my ideal world, my break would happen in short snippets. I don’t like the idea of being gone, though plenty of people encourage me to be gone (for a weekend, for a week). I do like the idea of getting my toes done, having a glass of wine without any children around, listening to music instead of listening for crying, eating slowly with both hands free.

I worry that my fantasizing and needing a break comes with a cost though. It feels like it does. Colin very rarely talks about a break. He seems totally fine to go through these days, one at a time, enjoying all the moments he gets to spend with Cash and Quinn. Is his level of burnout different? Cause burnout is a word that has crossed my mind. I wonder if it’s making me less happy, less available, less present.

Cash starts school three days a week next week. Partly, it feels like a welcome change, one that I think he will love. On the other hand, I already miss him. Same with Quinn. I welcome the days when I can focus on work when I’m at work three days a week, but I also feel a tiny pain in my heart to think of Quinn at school. He’ll be there with Cash, though, which is the thought that reassures my mama heart.

Speaking of thoughts, I think more than anything, my thinking gets me a little stuck. I think way too much. I overthink. I double think. And I think some more. And what’s worse is that a lot of my thinking comes out of my mouth before I have had a chance to really reflect on it or on its consequences.

I miss my time with Colin. We spend so much time making decisions and talking through logistics. We also spend a lot of time getting kids to sleep or to eat. I miss having time that belongs to us, when we get to check out and be us for a while. I don’t want to rush things, but I also look forward to the days that allow us a little more time to be us again.

Bedtime, Free Time, Work Time

It’s 9:30pm. Every day, this time of night is such a hard one for me. I’ve been up since 6am, after a million wake ups throughout the night. First Quinn, then Cash, then Quinn, then time to take Cash to school. Bedtime is 8pm. Or at least that’s the bedtime we are working towards. Some nights are better than others. They are thrown off by the littlest things…teething, sirens, Tyson, dinner, milk, the front door. Tonight was an ok attempt at bedtime. Mostly, I felt like checking out and Cash was extremely tired. Colin is also exhausted and is on call tonight so went to bed earlier than usual. So here I am, finally, the only one awake.

I’d love to find a way for this to be me time. Or at the very least, work time. But I’m tired. So tired. I have enough energy for a few bites of ice cream and half a glass of wine.

I’m not the kind of tired that is ready for bed, that would be too easy. I’m the kind of tired where I just want to check out and not have to deal with email or tasks or bills.

So I have a few hours to spend however I choose. I could be responsible or I could be lazy (in a good way). It’s times like this I wish I liked watching tv or had a good book that didn’t need to be read on a screen.

The littlest things

Sometimes I’m so afraid I’m going to forget the little things about these boys being babies. I already forget so much. Here’s a list of the teeny, tiny things they did as babies before they grow up and I can’t remember:

Quinn squeezes me with his knees…tiny knee hugs

Cash used to eat with his little arm out, flapping like a chicken wing.

Both of them make a mad muppet face when they’re frustrated nursing, but Cash more than Quinn.

Quinn sleeps beside me like a tiny peanut all curled in. He wants my cheek on his head and my hand patting his back to fall asleep. I wake up to him squirming and wriggling and clawing at me.

Sometimes Quinn pets me when he eats. Like a windshield wiper across my chest.

I remember talking about Cash’s monster breathing but can’t remember why he did it.

Cash used to pick his head up, turn it, and slam it on my chest when he was done nursing. Quinn just drifts off.

Both of them hate riding in the car in a car seat around 3-6 months. Cash would scratch at his own face. Quinn just screams until he’s hoarse and his eyes are puffy. Both make me feel incredibly bad for sticking them in there.

Cash used to be so serious when we would leave the house. In public, he would never smile. Quinn is the smiliest baby! He smiles a lot, even since his days in special care nursery, but more intentionally now

Rubbing Cash’s fingers to put him to sleep. Or kissing his eye lids.

Quinn waking me up by biting at me in my sleep and scratching at my chest

Cash shakes his head back and forth right before he goes to sleep.

Cash stands at the head board and holds up his finger in a one so I’ll count to three and then he falls onto the pillows.

Cash like for me to swirl his paci to him

Cash has started saying yes to everything. Would you like a bottle? He nods yes. Would you like to sit here? He nods yes.

Sometimes Cash hugs me or my arm or my head so tight when he’s going to sleep. Like he doesn’t want to lose track of me.

Cash is always walking around whistling

March 2017
Quinn’s cricket legs bc he rubs them together
Cash holding his bottle up when he’s finished
Quinn plays with my hair when he is nursing and just gazes up at me with such adoration. It’s almost too much.

Quinn finishes his bottle and curls in to snuggle
Cash’s “Yeah”
Cash’s little mall walker run with his little elbows out

Getting lost or finding myself

I get lost a lot. I lose myself in sleep deprivation, multitasking, racing to get a shower, worrying about the future, managing time and money. It’s frustrating.

I can tell, though, when I’ve lost myself because Colin does this very telling thing. He kind of ignores me. Not in a mean way, but he pays attention to what really matters in the moment rather than listening to me talk about what is on sale at Target.

I catch a glimpse of myself in that mirror…when he’s making Cash laugh and I’m standing there holding Quinn, worrying about whether I bought enough apple juice or some other such silly thing. Every time, I know he’s right where he needs to be. That he’s right without telling me I’m wrong.

These baby days fly by, and drag by at the same time. And I’m so torn between enjoying them and feeling way too exhausted to stay present for long. I want to put down my phone and delete all my apps, but what will I do without my iBooks? Or event notifications? So I scale back for a while.

But the phone isn’t the problem. It’s a distraction, sometimes a needed distraction. The problem is within me. All the responsibility can feel so heavy at times. It’s up to me to make myself happy without guilt. It’s up to me to lighten my own load. All anyone wants is for me to be happy. I want to try to make that my goal. Do what makes me happy.

I think I’d feel a lot less lost.

Loving to Exhaustion

Oh man, my heart overflows with how much I love these two! It’s the best feeling to cuddle up with both of them. There are so many sweet moments during the day when Cash gives Quinn a paci, Quinn watches Cash dance around, Cash runs to Colin with open arms at the end of the day!

It’s a tough thing to admit, but burn out creeps in from time to time. As much as I love our family and our boys, it’s tough to shoulder the responsibility (especially of nursing every 2-3 hours for months on end) in such a repetitive way. A friend of mine called it “pulverizing monotony”. It can feel like that at times.

It’s also very difficult to be partnered when one person has returned to a sort of equilibrium associated with normal life and I’m still here like, “Hey, I haven’t slept in weeks! And I need a shower! How long has it been since I’ve eaten?”

Here’s what I’ve learned about myself:

1. I need built in breaks so I don’t have to say, “I need a break” …since I don’t love how it feels as a mom to ask for a break from my kids, even though I know it’s totally normal and ok.

2. Some things have to wait so I can eat, sleep, and shower. Oh…and work. I’ve embraced this one to a degree. I know that next year I will have three days of the week (theoretically) to myself because both boys will be at school. That will have its own challenges, but these challenges are only mine temporarily.

3. I require some amount of solitude and quiet each day, even 30 minutes. It’s not always possible, but it makes me a better mom and person.

4. It would be nice to take showers without being responsible for another human during the process (including using a monitor).

5. Day to day and week to week can be very different, which can be confusing when I go from feeling successful to feeling like I’m doing it all wrong within a matter of twenty four hours. This also makes me contradict myself a lot.

6. On a daily basis, I am sacrificing and compromising my own wants and needs almost constantly. I’m getting better and recognizing when this isn’t a necessity.

7. This time with babies is such a tiny blip on the radar and it will be over soon. I want to cherish these days as much as possible. So now is maybe not the best time to focus on balance, but to embrace the imbalance with open arms!